Challenge Accepted
by This Is Sarcasm
Summary: AU. The Garrus and Javik buddy cop fic that nobody asked for. Starring: Garrus, as The Wildcard. Javik, as the Killjoy Partner. Julia Shepard, as The Chief. Feron, as The Incompetent Secretary. Kasumi, as That Guy In The Chair. Their mission? Fight crime, throw pineapples, rinse, repeat. Oh, and cause property damage, of course! But what happens when one of their own is murdered?
1. Intro

**If you're reading this, this is your fault. You know who you are. *Read title*.**

* * *

 **Welcome All Again- By Collective Soul**

* * *

It was a generally peaceful morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the traffic was very, very light.

Which was a good thing, because the peace was about to be shattered into a million tiny pieces as oncoming sirens got louder and louder, and the black four-wheeler drifted around the corner. In it, several gangsters were shouting at each other, mostly about the vehicle pursuing them. Most people wouldn't think a red vintage corvette is that frightening, but when said corvette contained Normandy PD's top pair of detectives, you typically reached for the nearest sub-machine gun and immediately opened fire.

And that's what they did, as the convertible came around the corner with it's driver putting the petal to the metal. He was a turian; young, with blue colony markings, and a pair of shades from a brand that would make anyone jealous. The bandolier where his sidearm was holstered was shamelessly visible, and the web of scars on his face only further served the 'tough cop' look. Garrus Vakarian was, in his own mind, the total package.

His partner was a more exotic specimen, but also wore his weapons in full view, for Javik believed intimidation depended on initial presentation. That didn't mean he didn't have any hidden knives on his person, because one never knew when they might be captured, and disarmed of all obvious weapons. Of course, there was only so much you could do to disarm a biotic.

Which was why the bullets didn't do much to Garrus' baby, aside from bounce off the barrier the prothean had formed at the front of the vehicle.

"Javik, put a bullet up their tailpipe!" Garrus shouted over the gunfire(and the Redbone song that was playing over the radio).

"I am occupied with stopping bullets." the prothean shot back. "If you had listened to me earlier, they would be dead _now_!"

"Dead!?" he gave his partner a look. "Dude, we're supposed to bring them in, not kill them!"

"The Chief did not specify she wanted them alive."

"Well, when she gives us a case, you should _assume_ she wants the criminals _alive_!"

"In my cycle, criminals were publicly executed."

"How about we meet halfway; you have to bring them in alive, but not necessarily in one piece."

"That can be done."

 ** _"Just make sure the_ neighborhood _comes out in one piece; that's all Shep's asking from you guys."_** Kasumi's voice reminded from over the scanner.

"Hold that thought, Kas. SHORTCUT INCOMING!" Garrus swerved his car over the nearby sidewalk and through a stretch of the nearby park, cutting a significant corner, and running over a trashcan, a doggy bag station, and several highway cones as he did so. Talons working quickly, he made sure his car was facing the oncoming jeep, before pulling his sidearm, standing, and firing, Javik doing so as well.

Both the front tires of the gang ride exploded, and the prothean followed up the attack by flipping the vehicle with his biotics. It skidded past them on it's side, and Garrus hopped out as groans rose from the carnage, stroking the hood of his car with one talon, giving the paint job a quick once-over.

"Nice; not a scratch." he complimented.

""I could care less about the vehicle, turian." Javik told him, walking past and towards the gangsters. "I was focused on not being killed by your stupid ideas. SHall I rip off their arms, or just the hands?"

"Uh, neither!" Garrus removed his shades and shot him a shocked look. "We need them to have _both_ of those in order to cuff them!"

"Fair enough." the prothean grumbled.

And so the generally peaceful morning became the start of another typical day for two of NPD's finest.

* * *

 _This was written on a dare. A review reply became a conversation about a Javik and Garrus buddycop situation, and how it would be a blockbuster. Out of Tricks remains out of commission due to writers block, and I've started to focus more on my Destiny fic._

 _This will remain as a bit of a side project. If you want pure Normandy Crew shenanigans, look for my drabble dump._

 _Fare Thee Well!_


	2. Office Talk

"Ladies and gentlemen-" Garrus removed his hands from behind his back to reveal his prize"-I bring the gift of coffee! Both levo, and dextro!"

The only reaction from the busy precinct was the sound of Kasumi whistling and cheering from her post down the hall. Mandibles spread in a wide grin, he deposited the coffee mix in the lousy excuse for a kitchen they had, and set a pot of the levo stuff to boil(humans seemed to need coffee more than turians). He took the can of cherry coke out of his pocket, flipped it in one hand, and made his approach down to tech support.

"Kasuuuumiiii." he crooned, knocking on her stall. The tiny Japanese woman stuck her head out, her headset sliding off slightly. He dangled the soda in his talons for her to see, and she gasped with delight. "I got your favorite!"

"Aww, Garrus!" she took her personal kryptonite eagerly. "Who are you trying to butter up this time?"

"What makes you think I'm trying to butter anyone up?" he asked innocently. "I can't just pay a visit to my favorite techy?"

"Are you trying to avoid Mt. Awkward again?" she asked plainly, popping the soda open.

"Liara at it again?" he asked in a hushed voice. Kasumi nodded as she downed her coke. Garrus leaned out the tech room, and eyeballed Javik's desk. The prothean was cleaning his sidearm, and there was the coroner's assistant, Liara T'soni, leaning over him, likely trying to get more information about his people out of him. Garrus rolled his eyes. Javik _never_ spoke about his people. And he was completely ignoring the crush the rookie autopsy gremlin _obviously_ had on him.

"Why doesn't she just give up already?" he shook his head and ducked back into the 'techy cave', as they called it. "I hear Officer Alenko has a thing for her, why doesn't she try _him_ out?"

"Because, I think Feron likes her, too." Kasumi told him, whispering as if sharing a secret. The turian made a face. "And rumor has it, she might be turning her interests in _his_ direction soon."

"Feron the Forgetful? Really?" the detective shook his head. "I'm sorry, but if he _ever_ scores a girl that good-looking, I'll eat my own foot."

"Which one?"

"I've got two left ones; it doesn't really matter."

"Vakarian, Javik!" a female voice shouted clear enough to be heard from both ends of the precinct. "My office! NOW!"

"Tell my story." he asked solemnly, leaving her side. Javik was already waiting with the Chief(he swore, the guy could teleport or something), and he took a deep breath before striding in.

"Chief!" her bellowed, arms spread wide. "I have to say, you look ravishing this morning! What's that perfume I smell?"

"Your doom." she responded, eyes narrowed. And just like that, the turian's usual fire was gone. "Sit."

"Is this about letting Javik kneecap that one guy? Because he totally deserved it; he's been good all week, I swear. Plus, they guy was running-"

"Shut up, Detective." the turian's jaw shut with a snap. Javik sat silently, hands in his lap. "I thought I made it clear last week that you were to cut back on your 'destroy everything' routine."

"When you are chasing a perpetrator, the status of _objects_ are of little concern." Javik leered. "I fail to see why I should worry about breaking a wall when there is filth sheltering behind it."

"Because someone owns that wall; they paid for it, and when you break it, someone has to rebuild it. With money. Out of _our_ pockets." Interim Chief Julia Shepard dug her fingers into her forehead as if she had a headache, and looked up at the prothean with a tired expression on her face. "Haven't we had this conversation before, Javik?"

"Twenty-seven times and counting, Chief." Garrus supplied cheerily.

" _You_ aren't much better." she glared at him. "You father has been suggesting we suspend you to teach you a lesson!"

Garrus flinched like he'd been struck. His only point of weakness, that most knew about, was Head Detective Vakarian Sr. It well known they didn't get along well together. It was often thought that they borderline _hated_ each other, and the only clue they were related was the fact they had the same colony markings.

"And I've been considering taking him up on that offer." Chief Shepard continued. "But fortunately for you, I've thought of something better."

"Better than not having to listen to his _grating_ music for half the day?" Javik asked, blinking his top set of eyes. He'd made it _very clear_ that he hated the way his partner blared the classic pop channel on his corvette's radio at _all times_.

"Yes." Shepard smiled serenely(like a crocodile would), and killed Garrus' day. "No more high-profile cases for the rest of the month. That should make it easy to avoid any more property damage. Good-day, gentlemen."

"Now wait just a-" Garrus squawked as Javik grabbed him by the cowl and dragged him out of the office.

"Send Nihlus in after you!" she called, giving a tiny pleasant wave. Garrus just stared as Javik released him-conveniently next to Nihlus' desk- at the Chief. _No high-profile cases? What's wrong with her!?_ He thought other, nastier things that couldn't be put in this fanfiction as she grinned at him like that evil queen from Alice in Wonderland. No high-profile cases... meant dealing with the work nobody else wanted to do. Fetching(he shuddered) warrants, organizing _case files_!

Teaching the new bloods how not to shoot their feet off!

"Problems with the Chief?" Nihlus asked sympathetically.

"She's the devil." he murmured in disbelief.

* * *

 _I've spent the last day and a half reading up on the greatest buddy cop/ bromance crime shows of all times. We're talking Lethal Weapon, Psych(and by reading up, I mean re-watching every single freaking episode in backwards order), ect. Aside from that, I'm just kind of winging it with this one._

 _whotellsyourstory: I hope your proud of yourself. A week ago, I told myself "Sarcasm, you need to STOP writing new fics while you still have others to work on. Focus on_ Losing Time, Taking My Own Way Down _, and_ Out of Tricks _. Stop it.". And I'm glad you agree with my portrayal of Garrus._

 _TheXGreyXLady: It is! Wow, an amazingly positive comment for a prologue it took me under an hour to write. It must be Christmas again! ^^_

 _Jayfeattheris Awesome: *bows fervently* Yes, senpai! You're welcome, senpai! I couldn't imagine Garrus driving anything less than a 1962 Chevrolet Corvette, probably because I've been re-watching Agents of Shield again. I was wondering if anyone would make a comment about Psych!_

 _DRWPJT: Glad you enjoy the dynamic I set up between them! As for the muse, it got set on fire and ran around the world sixty times when I first tarted writing this._

 _If I continue as I am, this fic is going to wind up being short and wild._

 _Fare Thee Well!_


	3. Case 1: Saren Arterius

Garrus was woken by the buzzing of his omnitool. Groaning, he stretched in his bed, felt around the side table for his omni, and clipped it to his wrist. He hummed thoughtfully when he saw the message was from Javik; Javik _never_ used his omnitool. He tapped it open.

He sat bolt upright moments later.

"No! No way!" he tore out of bed and into his uniform, nearly forgetting to grab his shades on the way out.

* * *

He slammed the door shut stiffly. He'd managed to beat the coroner. He could see his partner crouched next to the body. _Reading the scene while it's still fresh..._

"Ah, Nihlus..." he shook his head and ducked under the police tape. Chief Shepard was standing nearby, consulting with the crime scene photographers. Their eyes met, and she gave a sad, relenting nod, which he returned. Banned or not from high-profile cases, Nihlus was a friend. He strode up to Javik.

"How much you getting?" he asked, crouching next to his partner.

"Less then if you had not interrupted me." the barbed comment lacked a certain... fire, that normally would have been there. _Nihlus was one of us._ It looked like the Detective had been shot in the back of the head by a heavy caliber. Garrus swallowed, looking away from the other turian's face... or what was left of it, anyway.

"He knew his attacker. Let his guard down." the prothean next to him growled, standing. "This was betrayal."

"By who?" Shepard asked, having come up to them. "Did you see a face? Catch a name?"

"It was another turian, one he called 'Saren'." Javik nodded.

"Dammit." Garrus muttered. "Saren? You're sure?"

"My abilities do not have a margin of error." Javik said airily. "You know this."

"Why? Do you know Saren?" Shepard pressed.

"No." Garrus shook his head. "But I've heard of him; every turian has. The guy's a living legend, practically untouchable. Busted hundreds of cases, put even more perps behind bars. He's Head Detective at the New Cipritine Precinct."

"I'll call them." Shepard's eyes narrowed, her 'war face' showing. Nobody targeted one of her detectives, let alone leave their faceless corpse in the middle of the street like some piece of trash. "Good work, Javik, but your suspension still stands. All hands will be on deck, but I'm going to let Thane and Samara run point on this one."

Garrus made a disappointed clicking noise with his mandibles. _Those_ two were unfasable. Got along well with Javik, though.

* * *

"How long has she been in there?" Garrus slammed his head down on his desk in an instinctive reaction to the sound of Feron's voice, and Javik made a strange hissing noise through his teeth. _Feron the Forgetful._ Or so he'd been dubbed.

"Twenty. Minutes." Javik told him through grit teeth. "Or did you forget the answer we gave you five minutes previously?"

He _swore_ , the drell _actually_ whined like a dog.

"Hey, Feron, why don't you go see if Liara has any updates on Nihlus' autopsy." he suggested. It was one way to get rid of him.

"Y-yes, sir!" the glorified secretary rushed off. That _should buy us three minutes of peace._

"Sometimes, I am tempted to shoot him." Javik commented.

"I don't think you're the only one." Garrus responded dryly, glancing again at the Chief's office. The blinds were shut, but he swore he could hear her yelling inside at whoever ran things in New Cipritine PD.

As if the thought had caused it, the doors burst open, and hurricane Shepard stormed out, looking like she was about to catch fire. She stomped into the kitchen, poured a full mug of hot coffee, and downed it in less than a minute. Javik muttered a native imprecation.

"That bad, Chief?" Garrus called. She flipped him the bird as she downed a second cup of coffee.

"Garrus." he looked up at the soft-spoken drell that had requested his attention. Thane was nothing like Feron, and a personal friend of his father's. Thankfully, he was nothing like Vakarian Sr. He placed a file on the young turian's desk. "I need you to run checks through several local gas stations. I have the warrants for security footage right here; and your father requested I ask you not to buy all the Little Debbies in the every store this time, since, and I quote 'you're not a levo'."

"Maybe, I just like admiring the craftsmanship of a snack doughnut. My father ever consider _that_ , hmmm?" Garrus retorted as he skimmed the file over. "Javik, grab your coat; or your vaporizer gun, whichever you feel you'll need the most."

"I _intended_ to eat today..." the prothean grumbled, stalking off towards his own desk.

"Eh, we'll stop by the pet store on the way through." Garrus promised with a nonchalant wave of his talons. Thane gave him a curious look.

"He eat's pet food?"

"What? No, that's gross. He eats the pets."

* * *

"Alright, stop number three." Garrus announced, pulling into the station. "Wanna hang this one upside-down, too, or are we going to ask him like normal people?"

"I was going to stay here..." all four eyes were locked on the bag of goldfish sitting on the dash. After a year, Garrus had become accustomed to ignoring his partner's... creepy, eating habits. He shrugged climbing out of the vehicle.

"Alright, Mr. Shy Stomach. Don't wait up."

This particular gas station was clear out in the middle of nowhere, right in Normandy's city limits. He took a deep breath of forest air. _Nothing like the smell of petrol and trees in the morning..._

The door rang as he opened it, and he took one look at the shop before it was definitely the derelict, seedy sort of place a man on the run would use to fuel up. He eyed the pineapples that were marked on sale, and took one in his talons sadly; the only one that looked like a human would be able to eat it.

"Man, these are all rotten..." he may not be levo, but you had to admire a fruit with such a classy design to it. "Might just have to liberate this little guy..."

"Never seen someone show sympathy to a fruit before." He looked up at the clerk; a chubby human in his late forties.

"Lets just say I'm an enthusiast." he tucked the pineapple under one arm and approached the counter, pulling out his badge. "Detective Vakarian, I'm with the NPD. I'm looking for a turian that might have passed through here in the last day or so. Barefaced, grey, six ten by human standards, extensive visible cybernetics."

"Guhhh, I just got on shift. Sally was here before me." the man shifted uncomfortably. Garrus took the warrant out of his pocket and presented it. "Then, I'm going to have to ask for all security footage from today and last night."

"Um, o-okay." the man squeaked. _Definitely hiding something._ "Back room's this way."

"Cool." he drummed his talons on the counter, and followed. "By the way, why so jumpy, buddy?"

"Sorry!" he yelled, suddenly and loudly, turning the handle on the door and flinging it wide open...

To reveal Saren Arterius crouched at the security rig, a dead asari slumped against the back wall. For a moment, both turians met gazes, and both seemed frozen in shock. Then Garrus reached for his gun, but Saren was older, and faster.

And biotic.

The movement took a split second, and the younger detective found himself flying across the room. He let out a shrill cry of pain as he slammed into(and through) several aisles. Winded and dazed, he brought his arm up to shield himself as a shelf toppled onto him. He heard the human scream, and then the sound of snapping bone cut him off. The shelf moved, and he found himself looking up the barrel of a gun. _Any time now, Javik._

"Nice work detective. Maybe the next one will have better luck." the Detective turned murderer purred.

"Eh, I don't believe in luck." Garrus shrugged, holding up one talon in an ask for a pause before pulling the trigger. " _Pineapples_ , now, they're far more reliable."

The bare-faced turian had one moment to look perplexed before one such fruit was biotically sent flying into the back of his head at rocket speed. The wanted criminal made a sort of huff noise before collapsing.

"You could have gotten here much quicker." he commented as Javik strode up.

"I was... still busy." he grunted, bashing Saren over the head a second time for good measure. Garrus quickly tested each of his limbs before hazarding to extract himself from the pile of destroyed 'tiny shop' he was in.

"Oh, yeah, go ahead and finish your lunch while I get tossed around by a cop killer..." he drawled sarcastically. Suddenly, Javik froze.

"Turian... he had a trigger." he held up Saren's wrist, revealing the remote trigger. Correction, the remote trigger that was counting down from fifty-three seconds.

"Gee, you better find it."

"He is unconscious, I cannot read-"

"What happened to ' there is no margin of error'!?"

"There is none, because it is something I simply cannot do; there can be no error in a task that is impossible to do!"

"Well, what are you standing around for; grab him and run like hell!"

"We should leave him to burn, in vengeance for-"

"Javik; take the scum bag, and throw him in the back of the car!"

* * *

"The Chief seems displeased." Javik commented as they pulled into the station.

"No kidding." Garrus snorted.

"You _blew up_ a gas station!?" She yelled the first thing he brought the car to a halt.

"Nah-ah-ah; technically, _Saren_ blew up the gas station." Garrus corrected. "By the way, how did you know we were involved?"

"The woman who called it in described 'two creeps stuffing a body into the trunk of a red convertible with the license plate Tr0ubl3'."

"Uh, yeah, about that, I told Javik to put him in the back." Garrus sighed as the prothean climbed out of the car, and walked around to the trunk. "He took me literally, of course."

Looking perplexed, the Chief circled around as Javik opened the hatch. She froze at what she saw, jaw clenching. She let out a whispy sigh through her teeth, and looked down at her shoes.

"You put... _Saren_... in the trunk..."

"Where else would I put him? He murdered Kyrik." Javik shrugged.

"Dammit, Detective! Just cuff him and haul him in! NOW!"

"Easiest. Case. Ever." Garrus said smugly, leaning back with his hands folded behind his head.

* * *

 _And so the Saren Arterius case is solved by a chance encounter and the throwing of pineapples. I guess someday, I'm going to have to explain the whole pineapple thing to my readers..._

 _But it's an inside joke, so nobody will get it._

 _Next case might involve Tali!_

 _Fare Thee Well!_


	4. Case 2: Lady Shotgun

"What is wrong with _you_?" Oh, lots of things were wrong with Garrus Vakarian. He'd taken buckshot to the face(resulting in a lazy right mandible), and lived, he was, by his own admission, a man-child(much to his father's chagrin), he wasn't as good a foil to Javik as the Chief had hoped(many regrets for her, they were still racking up the department bill), and his car represented just about the entirety of his ego(no regrets).

One thing that was not wrong with him however, was the way the sight of _her_ made his jaw drop to the ground.

"Smoking... hot... quarian..." was all he could get out of his mouth in reply to his partner. And she had two revolvers strapped to her waist. The big kind. The kind you would expect to see the Terminator using while he walked down a burning hallway with explosions in the background.

"Do you think she's ever seen 'The Terminator'?" he asked absentmindedly.

"Do you think you could finish your part of the Arterius report?" Javik shot back as said quarian strode into the Chief's office. "You can court the female later."

"Life is short, and she-" he pointed in the direction of the office, "Is hot."

"Life is long, and _you_ are immature." the prothean returned to work on cleaning his weapon. "In my cycle, it was the women who pursued the men. If she found him worthy... she would punch him in the face."

"The women from your cycle sound like they had anger management issues." he commented, eyes still fixed on the Chief's room. "But I'm telling you... me and _that_ girl... we're meant to be together."

"You do not even know her name."

"Love at first sight, Javik. Love at first sight."

"Vakarian!" the turian practically _jumped_ out of his seat and _floated_ over to the Chief. Rolling all four eyes, Javik followed.

"Really? These two?" the quarian's accent was like music to his ears. Garrus couldn't see her face, what with the mask and all, but she sounded young, in her early-to-mid twenties. "Are you sure, Chief?"

"Very sure." Shepard assured her. Garrus nodded eagerly in agreement. _Take me!_

"What is it now?" Javik asked gruffly.

"Sergeant Zorah has been running an undercover op for the last few weeks." Shepard began. "Nothing too major. She's set up a meet tomorrow with some agents of the Shadow Broker; supposedly to sell information about Saren and his contacts, since there are so many enemies of his that would love to get a hold of it now he's in prison. This is a ruse; we're going to hand them false information, embedded with a tracking program, and hopefully find the highest bidder."

"Why are we pursuing that filth's enemies? Far better for them to find and kill him." the prothean voiced his obvious disapproval.

"Because they're filth, too. And if we can use Saren as bait, why not?" Garrus explained. Zorah nodded.

"Exactly. And I need two extra bodies to throw around if things get rough. I hear you're suspended from high-profile ops? Guess the Chief decided this wasn't high-profile enough." there was a tang of bitterness in her voice.

"It's important, Tali. Just not... that _important_." The Chief shrugged.

"Okay, so busting some guys? Lets go bust some guys." Garrus clapped his hands together, and looked at Tali. "When and where, and do you want to see my corvette?"

Javik sighed, and tried to ward off a headache. This was going to be a long mission.

* * *

Javik stood stock still on the front steps of the precinct. A feeling he had never thought he would possibly have was swarming in his chest.

She was in the front seat. She was in _his_ seat. The female. Had stolen. His. Seat.

She and the turian were chatting up a storm, laughing, and his partner double took, noticing him at last.

"Javik, you coming?" he questioned. Shaken out of his odd desire to commit homicide, Javik stiffly made his way over, and... got in the back seat. _He_ was sitting in the back. The back seat that had been modded in so they could cart criminals around. He was taking back seat to a girl. He felt something that was oddly like.. betrayal?

"I was not aware we would begin the operation today." he grumbled. He kept one set of eyes on the 'Sergeant'.

"I like to set up and plan ahead for every operation." She explained. "And if your partner's as good a shot as he says he is, it'll give us the opportunity to set up a sniper nest."

"Where are the weapons?"

"In the trunk. Sorry, by the way, Sergeant, if your weapon cases wind up smelling like perp." Garrus apologized as he flicked his shades open and put them on, before turning on the car. Javik sneered at the behavior. _Must I endure his courting behaviors for the entirety of this operation?_ Love in this cycle was messed up; punches to the face sent far clearer messages.

That, and he never wanted to hear the engines of this vehicle revving again.

* * *

Garrus had honestly thought he was making progress. Nothing bad had really happened since... 'it'. 'It' had happened about five months before Javik was assigned to him. And Tali was a peach with dual revolvers and a wit he was instantly addicted to. But...

She had a shotgun.

Never before had he experienced such a strong reaction. His very gizzard clenched and his heart raced. he tried to maintain the grin on his face, but was secretly glad his shades hid his eyes as she brought out the weapon.

"Just in case." she said, loading it. He flinched as she pumped it. The _clack-chack_ sound made his gizzard clench again, and inwardly, he chastised himself; Tali wasn't a threat. Sure, he didn't know her well, but she seemed like a good cop, a great woman, and-

Sidonis had seemed like a good cop, too.

 _Calm down, Vakarian. It's just a gun, you use them all the time._ Besides, it wasn't as if she was pointing it _at him_. If she pointed it _at him_ he stoutly reserved the right to freak out like he wanted to. _Steady breaths, in, out, in and out, just breath Garrus... breath like you're readying a shot..._

"And here's yours; I found one just in your size." She tossed him a rather handsome-looking Viper rifle. He maintained his breathing, heart rate gradually returning to normal as Tali swung her shotgun over her back.

"Perfect fit." He managed to say. He scoped around the surrounding area. "I'm going to take that devilish-looking pine tree one klick to the north, see what I can do to it."

"Alright. Your... partner and I will set up here." she nodded, casting a look at Javik, who had been in a particularly stormy mood ever since they set off from the station. He lowered his shades and gave the prothean a glance of 'play nice' before striding off into the woods. Shaking off the last of his jitters from the sight of Tali's gun, he gave his own weapon a final check before he went to do what he did best.

* * *

"I can't believe that went down without incident!" Garrus exclaimed, plopping down in his chair back at the precinct. "We actually did a case where everything went right. I didn't have to shoot anybody!"

"An unfortunate occurrence." Javik merely stated, striding past without putting his sidearm in his desk. He walked off in the direction of the shooting range.

"Yeah, go blow off whatever that steam of yours is!" The downside to not having to shoot anyone; Javik still needed to vent. Whatever had irritated the prothean in the first place, Garrus didn't know; just that Javik had hardly said two words to him(to be fair, he'd made himself busy talking to Tali), and that it was worse than when they left.

"Looks like somebody's jealous." Kasumi slid onto his desk, drinking out of her cherry coke with a straw.

"Huh?" he asked.

"Um, you just made your partner in law-or crime, if you look at the bills-take back seat to Lady Shotgun." she clicked her tongue disapprovingly, taking a sip of her drink. "I'd be a little salty, too."

"You don't put girls in the back seat!" he gasped. _Ugh, this is about his 'territorial streak'!? AGAIN!?_ His mind flashed back to all the times someone had taken Javik's spot; the day Feron parked in his spot(which was how Javik lost his license, and why Feron no longer owned a car), the time Garrus had _suggested_ switching desks(because it gave him a better view of that cute girl from HR) and gotten 'the glare'(the one that shrivels you gizzard into a tiny raisin and burns it to ashes), and _heaven forbid_ you _ever_ touched his gun(that was an incident the precinct didn't talk about)!

 _Ah, crap! I gave Tali his seat!_ Well, at least she wasn't dead...

That was an improvement, right?

"Just because his cycle's dating standards were messed up like Vin Diesel in a Terminator movie, doesn't mean he can do his 'don't touch my stuff' thing!" he slammed his head onto the desk. "She cute! Why me, out of all the turians, why did _I_ have to get stuck with him..."

"Well, at least he hasn't killed her yet. That's an improvement, right?" Kasumi shrugged, echoing his previous thought. "I think he hates people touching his stuff for an actually good reason; you know, his whole 'sixth sense' thing. If another one of his kind sat in his seat, they'd probably get all sorts of 'little dark cloud', brooding, 'dammit Garrus!', 'I hate the world' little voice in their head."

"You do realize he never uses peoples names, right?" he glanced up at her. "Not once, in all our cases, has he ever said 'dammit Garrus'."

"I bet he says it in spirit." she looked at him solemnly. "Like, a lot."

"...I don't care, I'm taking her on a date next Wednesday."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I asked her, we both have that day off?"

"Does Javik?"

"Nope; I can just drop him off here and be done with it." he pressed his talons to his temple with a groan. "Ugh, I wish that guy would at least challenge the court ruling on the Feron incident; at least it would take a problem off _my_ back!"

"But then we'd have Road Rage Javik free in the wild again. Do we really need that? If that sixth sense has anything to do with it, he's probably _exactly_ as bad as you at driving by now." Kasumi challenged.

"Please; I don't have s single scratch on my baby." he crooned confidently.

"That's because your partner is biotic and doesn't want to get hit in the face with whatever you just rammed into." she pointed out. There were several beats of silence.

"... Okay, yeah, you're probably right on that one."

* * *

 _After much anticipation, here it is! Case #2! Not much chase in this one, just Javik's 'asshole cat' side coming out. Because really, that's the vibe I get from him sometimes; 'this is my spot. There are many like it but this one is mine.' I don't think he knows what the 'bro code' is... but I'm pretty sure that somewhere in the back of that dark little mind of his, he knows it's been violated._

 _whotellsyourstory: Glad you're loving it, glad you, like many, love the pineapple, and VERY glad you agree with my logic! The perfume line wasn't my BEST, I'm pretty sure I could have come up with something better and snappier, but I'm glad you liked that, too!_

 _Jayfeattheris Awesome: Hell yeah, he put Saren in the trunk! I'm pretty sure there are plenty of people who'd love to do that! And I agree about Javik and Garrus; they do make good foil for each other. That's kind of the point of my fic. By the way, if you don't mind me asking, when do you plan on updating 15 Seconds? Not to seem rude, or anything._

 _TheXGrayXLady: I'm super glad you like this story, and I'm really happy I managed to nail the characters even in such a random, extensive AU._

 _DRWPJT: Doesn't really matter if you don't have much to say; I'm one of those people who needs feedback to survive, because really it's like, half my social life. Right here. Writing FANFICTION(i'm such a sad little nerd, i know)._

 _I cannot express how AWESOME it is that something this stupid and random is getting so much attention. I hope to continue pleasing you all, even though this fic takes back burner to my other projects._

 _For those who are interested in more Normandy Crew fluff bits, I've posted_ Creature Comforts _, featuring those little things that make the crew's lives easier. For those interested in crossovers, I've been sort of winding up, but hesitantly approaching, a Destiny crossover, also featuring Garrus and Javik, in an AU where the two of them wound up becoming Shadows of Calus. I've done a few one-shot setting up the universe, involving the Shadows from Destiny 2's lore, and a one-shot telling how Javik came to be one himself in the crossover archive._

 _Still not certain if I'll go through with this completely; that's why I'm keeping them to one-shots and not a whole story. I'm still busy with_ Losing Time _and_ Out of Tricks _(an update for which should come in the next week or so, if I manage to kick myself hard enough)._

 _So... here I am ending this stupidly long authors note, then._

 _Not sure what the next case will be; any suggestions would be nice._

 _Fare Thee Well!_


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